You Have Your Reasons
by 25NewC
Summary: Lorna's kicked back into reality after Christopher's visit. Events from the past come back to haunt her. Nicky has to stay strong for both of them. NickyxLorna with minor appearances of other characters. Trying to keep it canon. WARNING: Dark and mature themes throughout. Also, I suck at summaries :/
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not in any way, shape or form own any part of Orange is the New Black including, but not limited to the characters and setting used in the fan fiction below.

**Author's Note:** This is my first story EVER and I'm so excited to actually post it somewhere where people might actually read it! Apologies for any typos and my tendency to overuse commas.

**WARNING:** CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT AND DARK THEMES. RATED M FOR A REASON.  
**TRIGGER WARNING/SLIGHT SPOILER**: If you're triggered by allusions and descriptions of self-harm, please DO NOT PROCEED.

* * *

She couldn't move. Her body was paralyzed to the point of barely being able to breathe. She tried to fight it, but to no avail. It was like trying to push away an intangible force, stronger than anything ever known to mankind. The darkness that seemed to consume her was so overwhelmingly powerful that nothing could push it away. She tried to scream, only to have her cries silenced by the ethereal grasp of the foreign energy.

"Wake up, Lorna. Please. You're safe - I've got you. Please wake up!" she heard a familiar voice whisper as she searched for its source. _Nicky, where are you?_ she thought, still unable to move. She felt a hand gently stroking her hair as her eyes opened and she slowly came back to reality. It was the middle of the night – probably between three and four o'clock. She looked up to see Nicky standing over her, one hand squeezing hers, and the other moving her damp hair from her face.

"Come here," Nicky said, and Lorna buried her tear-stained face in the other woman's chest. She sobbed uncontrollably whilst holding on to Nicky's shirt as if it was about to be ripped away from her hands. Nicky held Lorna tightly. She wanted to take away her pain - all of it - even if it meant bringing it upon herself to endure. She would do anything for the sweet, dark-haired girl in her arms.

Ever since the incident with Christopher, Lorna had been having the same nightmare each night. Although she couldn't hear her own cries, they were quite audible throughout the prison - screaming accompanied by loud sobs and occasional pleas consisting of "no" and "stop". Once the nightmares started, it was nearly impossible to wake Lorna. She had fallen off her bunk on multiple occasions, but continued to kick and scream, still unconscious of the world around her. The only thing that calmed her enough to wake up was that voice. The voice that she believed when it told her that everything was going to be okay. The voice that she trusted more than she trusted herself. Nicky's voice.

Nicky continued hold Lorna and rub her back until the crying subsided. This was a nightly occurrence for the past five weeks now, and there were no signs of stopping. The other inmates didn't utter a word. By the first week they had learned to keep their mouths shut – some due to Nicky's and the "family's" threats, but mostly because nobody disliked Lorna. In fact, the ones that knew her, really liked her, including the COs. Known as "Litchfield's most optimistic", she always had a positive attitude, which was contagious. So when the night terrors began, no one wanted to cause her any more distress. Even Caputo was kind enough not to send Lorna to the SHU and/or psych after Miss Rosa's escape. He also reassigned Nicky to the same cube after being asked to do so by Red, who had used to her advantage the fact that Vee had gone unpunished for so long after the slocking incident. None of this had stopped, or even lessened the nightmares, but it did allow Nicky to be by Lorna's side sooner, being a benefit to both her and the other inmates.

"I'm so sorry, Nicky," Lorna sniffled, wiping the last of her tears, "I shouldn't-"

"Hey, try and get some sleep, alright?" Nicky interrupted, planting a soft kiss on top of her head, "We can talk later". Lorna stopped to look at Nicky for a moment before nodding and lying back down. She fell asleep almost immediately, exhaustion taking its toll on her small frame.

Lorna would often overthink things, which only added to her stress levels. Nicky hated the fact that she was always blaming herself. There were clearly some deep-rooted issues from past events contributing to the nightmares, but Lorna hadn't spoke of them. Nicky knew from experience that being asked about this sort of thing would only make her withdraw even more. Heck, even Red, who had gotten out of the hospital two weeks earlier, tried to question Lorna, and got the not-so-surprising "I don't know what you're talking about" response. Nicky needed Lorna to trust her completely before mentioning anything about her past. If she was the only person keeping Lorna in check, she damn sure didn't want to ruin it with one stupid question and bad timing.

Nicky didn't sleep the rest of the night. She never slept after one of Lorna's nightmare "attacks". She couldn't. She felt the need to watch over her bunkmate in case she decided to do something stupid.

In the mornings, Lorna was her "regular" cheery self. Like Nicky, she had learned to put on a disguise and Lorna was a very good actress. No one would have ever guessed that this happy-go-lucky gal was crying her eyes out every night if they hadn't heard her themselves. Of course, everyone now saw right through her, but they would choose to ignore the previous night's event, as Nicky was always glued to her side and acted as a threat to anyone who so much as looked in Lorna's direction in a way she didn't approve of. The conversations were normal, for the most part – Nicky's jokes, Boo's sarcastic responses, Yoga Jones' calm and collected behavior. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Of course, Lorna had long since stopped talking about the wedding and her contributions to group discussions had lessened, but she still took part in most conversations and had been able to convince herself that her disguise was working.

Everyday would pass like this – Lorna pretending everything was great, Nicky putting on her tough-guy persona, but secretly being on the lookout for any crazy bastard trying to prove Lorna wrong, and everyone else minding their own business, as if nothing was different than before.

After breakfast, the inmates were headed for work. Lorna was temporarily reassigned to laundry while CO Ford drove the new van. They needed to sort out all the paperwork regarding Rosa's escape before they could allow an inmate to drive again. Nicky hated leaving Lorna in the company of Pennsatucky everyday and often ran "errands" for Luschek that would allow her to nonchalantly check on Lorna every now and then.

The days usually ran by smoothly. Although, by early evening, Lorna was tired of pretending and just wanted to curl up and let everything out. But she knew she couldn't. She couldn't burden Nicky with any more of her problems. It was enough that she was disturbing her sleep every night, but piling more of her personal issues on Nicky just wasn't fair. She would deal with them herself. Even if it meant having to be reminded of the truth every moment and putting on a brave face for the rest of her sentence.

The next night was the same as the others. Screaming, kicking, crying and apologizing. Nicky's heart sank every time she saw involuntary sobs escape the fragile girl's throat. If only Nicky could love away the pain, Lorna would be happy again. Not just pretend-happy, but actually, genuinely happy, her face glowing with that beautiful smile of hers that had been gone for way too long now. A tear escaped Nicky's eye and she quickly wiped it away. She had to be strong. For Lorna. She was her rock, and if she crumbled now, they would both go spiraling downwards. She didn't want to push her, but she had to know the source of her issues – because it sure as hell wasn't just Christopher – Lorna had told her that much. It was the sudden pull back into reality caused by Christopher's visit, but it wasn't directly him. Nicky wanted to help her through everything, but she had to know what Lorna was hiding. She decided that she would try to ask sometime this week – making sure to give Lorna enough space and time so she didn't feel the need to retreat from Nicky, but also acting quickly enough so she wouldn't do anything that could potentially cause her more harm. _Slow and steady_ she thought as she watched Lorna sleep after another night terror.

That morning, Lorna wasn't chirpy, or upbeat or anything remotely resembling optimistic. Well, everyone knew she wasn't, but the problem was, she wasn't even _pretending_. She sat at the cafeteria table quietly, barely touching her food. When Nicky gave her a worried look from across the table, she forced a strange smile – the same kind she had when Nicky saw her that day through the visitation room window. She stood up, bussed her tray and left without a word. Nicky wanted to follow her, but thought that maybe it would be better to give the girl some space and alone time. Maybe she just needed to cry without the company of another human being.

"You two get in a fight?" Boo asked, almost whispering to Nicky, but loud enough for a few others at the table to hear.

"What? No! She just… needs her privacy, and I respect that" Nicky answered matter-of-factly.

"You sure that's a good idea, Nichols?" Boo asked, raising her eyebrows, as if trying to catch Nicky in a lie.

"Hey – every girl needs her privacy during a certain time of month, eh?" Nicky's quick response, albeit a lie, was good enough for the others to drop the subject. As everyone was still eating, Red stood and motioned for Nicky to follow her. She led her out of the cafeteria.

"Would you like me to talk to her?" Red asked, making sure everyone was out of earshot.

"No, Ma! Give the girl a break, she wants to act normal, but she can't with everyone constantly asking her if she's okay or if she needs anything! Look, I appreciate your concern, but she wants to be left alone for a little while. I've been there, I get it. It's fucking difficult, but when the time comes, she'll talk, alright?"

"Nicky, it's been over a month –"

"I know! Fuck!" she put her face in her hands, and let out a heavy sigh, "Sorry. I just don't wanna push her too quickly, you know. I don't want her to shut _me_ out too."

"Too quickly?" Red whisper-yelled as she grabbed Nicky's shoulders, "What the fuck are you waiting for? That girl is going to hit rock bottom pretty soon if you don't find out what in the world is troubling her! Do you want her to get sent to psych for doing something that you could have prevented?" Nicky felt tears well up in her eyes at that point, but she wasn't going to let them spill. She roughly pulled away from Red.

"You think I don't know that?" She was almost yelling at that point, "I love her. More than I've ever loved anyone, and more than anyone has ever loved me, and I hate seeing her like this, but you already tried asking her and it didn't work! I need her to trust me enough to tell me herself, otherwise she's gonna start bottling everything up inside and –" Nicky was the one sobbing now, something she would never do in front of anyone, except the woman whom she called her mother. Red took her into her arms and ran her hand soothingly through her unruly hair.

"Honey, she already does," Red whispered in her ear, "Lorna would follow you into a burning building if she had the chance. She just needs a little push from you to realize that you need to know the truth behind all this," she cupped Nicky's face in her hands and wiped a tear from her cheek, "Otherwise, it's just going to get worse". Nicky nodded. She knew Red was right. Lorna may be hurt now, but she was going to be a way worse situation if this behavior continued.

"Okay," Nicky said, "I'll ask her tonight, after final count". Red patted her back and smiled.

When Nicky got to work, damn Luschek didn't have any errands to run that day, so she was stuck listening to Chapman talking about the unfair treatment of prisoners and the lack of something or other in various areas of blah, blah, blah. Sure, she wasn't as annoying as SoSo, but the topics she decided to discuss were totally out of the ballpark of Nicky's interests. So, she stared at the clock instead, counting down the hours until dinner.

Meanwhile, Lorna was in quite the opposite situation. Pennsatucky had been called to Healy's office, and Leanne and Angie weren't very talkative today. Not that there was much work to do. It was Tuesday, and the biggest batches of laundry came in on Thursday and Friday, right before visitation day.

"Why don't we call it a day, huh?" Leanne said around noon, when they had finished folding Monday's clothes, "I mean, we ain't gonna get much more stuff in today, and we can pile up whatever's dropped off later with tomorrow's shit".

"Yeah," Angie agreed, "and Doggett won't be back today either to rat us out, so I'm totally in!"

"I'm gonna stay a little while longer," Lorna said, "you know, just in case something bigger comes in"

"Suit yourself," Angie said, getting up, "Just don't rat on us!"

"Oh, I won't" Lorna replied. When the other two left, she pulled out a towel and a clean outfit in her size and headed out.

* * *

The bathroom was empty, as she expected at this time of day. Lorna undressed, and pulled a small object out of her shirt pocket. She stepped into the shower and blasted the cold water at full force. Looking up, she inhaled a deep, shaky breath. She needed a release, and this was the only way to get it without burdening other people with her problems. Lorna took the razor in her hand and pushed it against her skin. She didn't want to kill herself – she wanted the adrenaline rush caused by the release of endorphins to temporarily numb the emotional pain. Her heart rate quickened, and she held her breath as she continued to cut through the pale skin on her left forearm. She exhaled only when she felt the blood trickle down her arm. It was bliss, and she couldn't stop. She had to do it again, to feel the same numbing sensation overcome her body. After the fifth cut, Lorna was shaking so much that she dropped razor and had to lean her back against the wall in order to prevent herself from falling. Her head was spinning, and she felt like passing out but now she understood Nicky's former need to get high – it made her numb to the pain. Not the kind of pain that you could take away by popping an Advil, but the kind that you had to live with for the rest of your life. The _real_ pain.

* * *

"Hey Luschek! We were supposed to get our fucking lunch break an hour ago!" Nicky yelled. It was almost one and nobody was really doing anything except sitting around and talking.

Luschek looked at his watch, "Well, I was only gonna keep you here 'til two 'cause I gotta meet with Caputo later, but since Nichols asked _so nicely_, I'm gonna let you all go even earlier." The inmates cheered. "BUT," Luschek continued, "you're makin' up for it tomorrow. Now, return your tools and off with you! Scram!" The inmates ran off like a bunch of wild animals being released from their cages. "Pack of monkeys," Luschek muttered under his breath as he shook his head.

Before Nicky went to check on Lorna, she stopped by their cube to pick out some dirty clothes. She didn't want anyone, especially Lorna knowing the reason for her visit to the laundry room, so she needed a visible excuse. She had checked most of her stuff in yesterday, so she grabbed the clean towel that hung from her chair and continued on her way.

The laundry room was strangely quiet when Nicky got there, but upon closer inspection she realized that it was empty. _The COs must have a really important meeting if they're letting everyone leave work early_. But if Lorna wasn't in laundry, or in their cube, then _where the hell was she?_ The thought sent shivers down Nicky's spine. She darted out of there, still holding the towel, but didn't know where to go. She ran (or rather, speed-walked) to the chapel, it being Nicky's go-to place for nearly anything, only to hear two girls getting it on. She didn't know who it was, but neither of them sounded like Lorna so she backed out. The only other private place she could think of was the bathroom, but it was gross and the floor was covered in fungus, so she didn't expect Lorna to hang out in there by herself. But something told her to check anyways. She walked in, and noticed that one of the showers was running. As she stepped closer, she heard shaky breathing accompanied by familiar soft whimpers. She slowly opened the shower curtain, and looked down to see a constant stream of diluted blood running down the drain. Nicky almost smirked at the accuracy of her previous comment but her jaw dropped when she saw the razor lying at Lorna's feet and that the source of blood was completely different than what she had assumed. She looked up to see the freezing shower water hitting Lorna's body, her hands balled into fists, holding her up against the shower wall. Her eyes were closed, revealing smeared mascara and her lips were turning blue from the cold.

"FUCK!" Nicky quickly turned the water off and covered Lorna in the towel she was holding. She grabbed the razor and stuck it in her pocket. Nicky pulled Lorna out of the shower and led her to sit on one of the bathroom benches while rubbing her back and arms, trying to provide her with as much warmth as she could. The towel was starting to turn red from the blood coming from Lorna's forearm. Nicky grabbed another towel that was nearby and pulled Lorna's arm out to inspect it. The cuts were deep – not deep enough to hit a major vein, but deep enough to cause considerable blood loss and leave some really nasty scars. Four of them across her arm and one going down – like tally marks. The dark crimson looked so intense against Lorna's pale skin, that it sickened Nicky to think that such perfection could undergo this kind of torment. She wrapped the other towel tightly around her arm to act as a tourquinet. Lorna didn't even wince. Her lips were slightly parted, her eyes glazed over, and she was staring straight into nothingness as if in a trance. Nicky picked up Lorna's clothes and almost succeeded in her attempt to clothe her. She did the bottom half, but couldn't get her shirt on because of the damn fat-ass towel on her arm. So she draped the other slightly bloody towel around her again and wrapped her arms around her friend, holding her tightly to share body heat. The smaller woman was as cold as ice and she was shaking so badly that Nicky almost thought she was having a seizure. _Red was right, I'm so fucking stupid! I could have prevented this!_ She felt sick to her stomach when she thought of Lorna being sent to psych and tried to get the thought out of her head. She focused on keeping the other woman warm. That was her goal for now, and the rest would (hopefully) sort itself out. A few minutes later she felt a glimmer of hope when she heard Lorna take a hitched breath and collapse into Nicky, crying. _She's back_ she let out a sigh of relief as she continued to soothe her.

"Hey, it's alright. Shhh, I'm here. Nod if you can hear me" Nicky felt Lorna's head move up and down against her shoulder. She waited a while before speaking again.

"There, there. It's gonna be okay. Can you look at me?" she asked before gently pulling away just enough to see Lorna's face. Her eyes were back to normal, apart from the fact that they were filled with tears, and her cheeks were now pink instead of purple.

"Where did you get the razor?" Nicky asked gently, but firmly, not wanting to scare Lorna off, but expecting an answer.

"I f-f-found it," Lorna was still shaking, but this time from crying rather than freezing, "in the sh-showers, a few d-days ago"

Nicky was shocked. _What idiot would leave a fucking razor lying around?_ She moved her hand to Lorna's cheek and wiped away a tear. A short pause followed.

"Why?" she finally asked, looking into Lorna's eyes, searching for an answer.

"You weren't supposed to find me," Lorna started, "I w-was gonna go back a-and – but I couldn't – it just felt so much better – and I k-kept going – and then my head s-s-starts spinning – and I d-don't know where I am anymore – but I don't wanna come back – 'cause it's not there anymore – and when I'm here I can't even fall asleep without it coming back" her sentences were interrupted by hiccups and Nicky's heart broke when she saw more tears making their way down her face and Lorna trying so hard to hold back the sobs that were threatening to escape at any moment.

"I know it's hard," Nicky began, trying to form her words to sound as gentle as possible, "but I really want to help you and in order to do that I –" she paused. This wasn't coming out the way she intended it to. She sighed.

"What I'm trying to say is, maybe it would be easier for both of us if you would consider telling me what _it_ is? I mean, you don't have to right now, but maybe when you've calmed down a bit and you're ready to talk about it?" Nicky quickly added when she saw Lorna tense up at the thought of revealing anything. They sat there for a while, Nicky looking at Lorna, her hand gently stroking the other girl's cheek, hoping that she would agree to open up to her, and Lorna looking down at her own hands, unable to guide her eyes upwards.

"Okay" Lorna finally whispered, almost too quietly for Nicky to hear.

"Alright, let's get you dressed then" Nicky said and she began to untie the towel-tourquinet. Lorna put on the clean long-sleeved undershirt and khaki T-shirt and Nicky ripped the other shirt into pieces to tie around her arm.

"You can't walk around looking like freaking Mega Man without people assuming too much," she reasoned, "I'm gonna ask Red if she has anything for cuts or something along the lines of Mederma. I'll say I got an epic cut on my left ass-cheek during work, so she won't bother asking any questions. And don't worry about washing those bloody towels today. For all anyone knows, you're on your period, so that's taken care of." Nicky realized that she had probably pushed it a little too far. She should have known better than to start cracking casual jokes when Lorna was in such a vulnerable state. But Lorna, who was now leaning over the sink, washing her face, seemed unfazed by Nicky's humor and actually _smiled_ at the Mega Man part.

They left the towels and other clothes in the laundry for sorting tomorrow and went to their cube. It was just past two, so they had missed lunch and had to wait another three hours until dinner. Red gave Nicky some ointment for her "butt-cut" and told her that she doesn't want to hear how or why it happened, just to take the damn thing and go. Nicky treated Lorna's wounds, which had almost stopped bleeding, but the "bandage" needed to be changed every few hours. She would remove the blood-covered fabric, being as gentle as she could, in fear or causing Lorna any more pain. She rubbed the ointment over her cuts, which she knew would sting, but Lorna remained brave throughout the "treatment", only wincing at the first contact between her damaged skin and the ointment. When Nicky was done, she wrapped Lorna's arm in a clean piece of the ripped shirt, making sure it was tight enough to stop the remaining blood flow.

"Oh no, my hair's a mess!" Lorna said, looking into her little magnet mirror while brushing out the tangled strands. Nicky smiled, "Have you seen _mine_?" Lorna turned and pretended to inspect Nicky's wild do.

"You look hot, kid. How many times am I gonna have to say it for you to believe it? Hair or no hair, you're still the sexiest person alive in my eyes" Nicky continued. She hadn't complimented Lorna's looks since _that_ day. She liked doing it though – it usually made Lorna seem happier, if only for a moment. But this time, there was no smile, no giggle, nothing. Lorna turned back around to face the mirror and continued untangling the dark strands. Nicky realized that it was probably too soon. _Slow and steady. You're getting somewhere just don't push it._ She lied down on her bunk and stared at the ceiling. Lorna needed her space, and if she was preoccupied with her hair, then at least she wasn't thinking about _it_.

Finally, dinnertime came and Nicky and Lorna sat away from everyone to make sure that no one took notice of Lorna's arm.

"How is the ointment working for you, Nicky?" Red asked as she walked by their table. Lorna quickly hid her left arm under the table, praying that Red hadn't noticed her reaction. But she had nothing to worry about once Nicky opened her mouth.

"You know, it stings like a thousand bees tryin' to get laid during mating season, but I'd be lyin' if I said it ain't doin' its job," Nicky replied, "I mean, look at me – I can actually sit without feeling like I'm shoving a damn fork up my butt!"

"I'm glad, but you could have spared me the imagery" Red responded with a chuckle as she continued on her way to their regular table.

* * *

When they finished their meal, Nicky and Lorna headed for the chapel. It was quiet and slightly dark, as always. They sat down on the front-most chairs and were both silent for a while. Nicky spoke first,

"So, have you told anyone at all? Your sister, maybe?" Lorna shook her head. She hadn't spoken to anyone about that part of her life. Not even her closest family.

"Well, you can tell _me_. Talk to me, 'cause I can't stand to see you trying to fight this thing by yourself. I want to help you. Please let me help you," Nicky pleaded while wiping the single tear that had escaped Lorna's eye.

"You don't deserve this," Lorna whispered, her head hanging down, "You have your own issues to take care of, you shouldn't be worrying about mine."

"Hey, maybe I do, but you're one of them. You have been one of them since the moment you walked into this place wearing that dumb orange outfit. I _love_ you, Lorna, so your problems are my problems whether you like it or not," Nicky added, making sure to emphasize the word "love". She didn't say it often, but when she did, she meant it with her entire being.

"This isn't fair," Lorna shook her head, "I'd be using you – "

"No, you wouldn't," Nicky interrupted, "I told you, I _want_ to do this. I don't regret a single minute spent with you and I want us to be more than just friends when we get outta here."

"I do too, but I'm crazy," Lorna replied, her voice starting to crack, "I lied to you and everyone else. You should hate me."

"Well I don't, okay? You have your reasons for doing what you did, and it was clearly preventing what's happening with you now," Nicky said as she pushed a strand of Lorna's hair behind her ear, "Baby, it's been over a month. It's not something that's just gonna pass with time." Lorna nodded slowly. She held back the tears that she felt were making their way into her eyes – she wouldn't be able to talk if she started crying again.

"Yeah, I know" she finally acknowledged. She took a deep breath and began, not being able to meet Nicky's eyes, "I was eighteen…"

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

**Author's Note:** I know, I'm an awful person and I should go die in a hole. However, I quite enjoy the hurt/comfort genre, so I like making characters cry, as long as there's someone that will be there to wipe away the tears. This idea has kept on bugging me since June when I binge-watched both seasons of OitNB TWICE within a week, and seeing as there aren't enough fanfics with these two, I decided to actually put it down on paper (ahem - word processor?) and stick it in here for all the other Nickello/Nickorello fans to enjoy (or not). Reviews would be appreciated! ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** I didn't really expect to get reviews and followers, so thank you! You're going to hate me after this chapter. This is my version of Lorna's backstory, written as a flashback. I tried to incorporate some of what was in the show, but there wasn't really much to go on. It wasn't supposed to be this long but I got a little too caught up in the details, and damn it, writing is ADDICTING. Also, I was originally going to make it more brutal, but it's already pretty awful and I hate myself for writing this, but here it is.

**WARNING:** Graphic, brutal, dark, violent and brutal.

**TRIGGER WARNING/SPOILER:** Contains graphic descriptions of rape/non-con and bulimia.

* * *

_Flashback_

* * *

Lorna Morello's life was never really "normal". She was always a little weird, but it was a good kind of weird. She was a bit of a geeky, girly tomboy, and had her own close group of friends that she felt comfortable being around. She enjoyed dressing up, playing video games and chatting with her friends. A tad chubby – not fat or overweight, but had a little meat on her bones. Overall, she was a healthy, happy girl.

When she was sixteen, Lorna's mother had become ill and permanently bedridden, and Lorna had to get a part-time job if she wanted to keep up with the latest trends. Since then, she had been buying her own clothes (consisting mostly of plaid shirts and skinny jeans) and personal items. Her father didn't feel the need to babysit the kids. He provided them with a roof over their heads and food on the table, so as long as they stayed out of trouble, he didn't care what they were up to. Lorna had no connection whatsoever with her brother, Mikey, and her sister, Franny, had graduated from high school a year earlier, and was always working or partying, so they barely saw each other.

Although Lorna's life at home wasn't ideal, she made up for it by having a half-decent social life. She didn't party much, but hung out with her friends whenever her job permitted.

* * *

That had all changed in Lorna's senior year. Mikey was constantly in-between minimum wage jobs, either in his room, listening to music, or watching some television program with their dad. Franny was 21 and dating her sixth (or seventh – Lorna had lost count) boyfriend in the last two years. Lorna realized that if she wanted to get away from this kind of lifestyle, she had to act quickly. She secretly applied to a few colleges and had already saved enough money to pay for half of her first year. Considering the Morellos' low household income, Lorna could probably rely on government loans and grants to help her pay the rest. She wasn't an excellent student. Her grades were a bit above average, which would help with admission, but not really scholarship-worthy.

When her admission letter from NYU came in the mail, she decided to share the news with her family.

"You gotta be kidding," her father said, eyes fixed on the TV, "and who do you think is gonna pay for your little 'college adventure'? You know that money's tight, and your mother's medication isn't exactly getting any cheaper."

"I will," Lorna chirped, "I've been saving. I'll still work part-time during the year and full-time summers. And I can live at home since it's a 30-minute subway ride. Plus, I think I'm be eligible for financial aid, so you don't have to worry about the money."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," her father said, not really listening to Lorna. But she wouldn't let that bring her down. She was going to get an education, a well-paying job, and she would prove them wrong.

"Hey," Franny said, as Lorna was preparing dinner one night, "I just wanted to say, congratulations. I know I haven't been a great sister and all, but I'm really proud of you. A Morello is off to college. Who would have thought?" Lorna smiled. She was going to have to work her butt off, but it was only for four years. She could manage that.

"Hey, just be careful of the 'Freshman Fifteen,' " Franny warned her.

"The what?" Lorna asked with a confused look on her face.

"Basically, everyone gains fifteen pounds in their first year of college," Franny explained, "It's no joke, I've seen it myself! And quite frankly, you yourself look like you could shed about five or ten."

"Hey!" Lorna yelled, pretending to take offense. She hadn't really given her appearance too much thought. After all, she always believed that her success wouldn't be related to looks.

* * *

After graduation, Lorna started working full-time in order to make the most of her summer. She had parted with most of her friends. Some of them were going to study out-of-state, while others decided to pursue different paths in life. She only knew two other people that were also going to NYU, but they were in different programs and it would be difficult to stay in touch on a regular basis.

By the time September rolled by, Lorna had turned 18, paid her tuition fees for that year in full, bought out all her books and supplies and still had some pocket money left over. She made friends rather quickly and immediately fell into the college student lifestyle. Lorna was happier than ever walking around the large university campus located in the heart of New York City. It wasn't that she had never been downtown, but for the first time in a long time, she felt like she really belonged somewhere – like she was something more than just a speck of dust in the universe, but part of something bigger. She mattered, and her confidence grew with everyday that she set foot on campus.

But it wasn't easy. Just like Lorna had promised herself, she continued to work as she studied, which took away all of her free time, and then some. She would often skip meals in order to stuff study time into her breaks. Lorna usually left early in the morning and came home exhausted after ten at night, finding herself surrounded by piles of papers and books that she had to read. Some nights, especially when there was a midterm or assignment due, she would spend the night in the university library, or at a friend's dorm, saving herself precious commute time the next morning. Lorna wasn't giving up though. She was ambitious and determined, and nothing was going to stop her from achieving her goals.

* * *

Classes ended mid-December and Lorna had exams for the rest of that week. She ended up finishing the semester with a GPA of 3.7 and couldn't be happier. She could now fully enjoy her winter/Christmas break.

"Look at you!" Franny exclaimed when she actually got to _see_ her sister without having her run off to work or study. The family was preparing for Christmas so the two were finally getting to spend some time together. "This college thing really did you some good," Franny remarked, "If you weren't so short, I'd tell you to consider modeling!" Lorna had been so preoccupied with everything that she hadn't even noticed her own weight loss. Now that she thought about it, she _did_ start wearing belts with all her pants recently.

Christmas Eve came rather quickly, and everyone gathered upstairs in Mrs. Morello's bedroom. They had always done so during major holidays. The fact that Lorna's mother was unable to move, wasn't going to prevent her from spending quality time with her family. They talked about everything that Lorna had missed in the past few months. Mikey got another job. He had been working for the local tire mechanic for two months now, and it was getting pretty serious. Franny had moved on to boyfriend number eight (Travis?) shortly before Thanksgiving and claimed that this one was "a keeper". When they had finished eating, Franny stood up, with a big grin on her face.

"As some of you may have noticed, I haven't been drinking lately," she started, looking mostly at her father and brother, "Well, that's because I've decided to start taking better care of myself –"

"Let's see how long it lasts this time," Mikey responded sarcastically. Franny glared at him.

"As I was saying," she continued, "I will be continuing my healthy diet for at least the next nine months," she paused, hoping that someone understood what she meant. Looking at the blank faces in front of her, she sighed, "I'm _pregnant_!"

An awkward silence followed.

"Franny, don't you think it's a little too soon?" Lorna asked, trying to sound reasonable. At that point her father stood and looked Franny straight in the eyes.

"That idiot boyfriend of yours better be paying fucking child support when he breaks up with you," he said, surprisingly calm, but serious, almost making Lorna wish that he was yelling instead, "I'm not gonna support you any longer, or that future bastard child of yours. You better start contributing to this household if you wanna continue to live here, instead of spending all your money on booze, clothes and gasoline! Look at your sister – she wanted something – she's working her ass off for it! I suggest you start adopting the same attitude, or you're gonna end up in a bad place." Franny stormed out and locked herself in her room. Lorna and Mikey cleared the table and washed the dishes in silence. Once they finished, Lorna went upstairs and knocked on Franny's door. Franny opened it and let her sister in.

Lorna noticed a half-packed suitcase in the middle of the bedroom.

"You're not leaving, are you?" she asked, genuinely concerned, "Come on, you know how dad is. He's mad now, but he'll get over it soon enough. I mean – it _is_ Christmas."

"Yeah, you're right," Franny agreed as she walked over to her dresser and pulled out a package and handed it to Lorna, "Here. I was gonna give it to you tomorrow, but whatever. Open it!" Lorna opened the package and pulled out a black dress in her size.

"Franny, you didn't have to," she said, "it's wonderful."

"A nice change to all that tartan you're constantly wearing, huh? Listen, Trevor's having a New Year's Eve party, and you're coming with me," Franny stated, not giving Lorna the choice to do otherwise, "I always see you either rushing to get to school or work, or you're locked in your room studying. You need to get out more, sis."

"But I thought you couldn't – "

"What, _party_?" Franny laughed, "Just 'cause I can't drink doesn't mean I'm gonna be missing out on the rest of the fun."

* * *

By New Year's Eve, Mr. Morello and Franny had discussed her near future in greater detail. He wouldn't kick his own daughter out, but she had to step up her game and learn some responsibility.

At around eight o'clock, Lorna and Franny left for Trevor's party. Franny had done Lorna's makeup – light but sexy. Lorna felt a little nervous. The new dress was tight, showing off her new figure, and wearing something other than her usual loose-fitting checker-print outfits was definitely boosting her confidence. When they arrived, the party had already started. Loud music was coming from speakers that were mounted high on the walls. Trevor's place was huge. The living room alone seemed to be half the size of the Morellos' entire home. The light maple wood floor contrasted nicely with the dark leather couches that were strategically placed in the corners of the room. A buffet table was pushed against one of the walls to create as much dance space as possible. To top it off, five crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, reflecting light in various directions. To Lorna, it looked more like a VIP lounge than a living room.

"His parents are pretty high up in the mafia hierarchy," Franny explained, "They spend most of their time in Europe just 'cause they can afford it. Trevor prefers to stay in one spot, though. Oh, there he is! Hey Trevor!" Franny called to her boyfriend from across the room, and motioned for him to come over to them. He was tall, well built, handsome, and the Italian features were very prominent on his face. He looked older than Franny, but not by much.

"This is my sister, Lorna. Lorna, this is Trevor," Franny introduced them. They shook hands.

"Well, the genes really are strong in your family!" Trevor remarked.

"Yeah, I used to be the hot one, until this one started college," Franny joked, "Come on, I'll introduce you to the rest of the crowd!"

The "crowd" consisted of about 50 people, so Lorna mostly sat with whomever Franny and Trevor were sitting with. She felt out of place – everyone was older than her and she wasn't even considered legal yet. She had been holding on to the same beer bottle for over an hour now, unable to chug it down. When midnight neared, Trevor pulled out a rack of expensive champagne bottles, and handed them all to a bunch of guys to open. When the New Year's countdown reached zero, the sound of about 15 champagne bottles being opened simultaneously filled the room. Lorna gasped when she saw one of the corks hit a chandelier, earning herself a comment from her sister, "Geez Lorna, you really gotta chill out! Have some champagne, and I'll ask Trev to make you something stronger later."

After her second glass of champagne, Trevor brought Lorna a glass of Pepsi with vodka. Actually, it was more like vodka with Pepsi, because she started getting dizzy after her second sip. By the time she finished her drink, Franny was off chatting with some her girlfriends, and most people had gone back to dancing to the psychedelic rock music blasting through the speakers. She and Trevor were the only ones left sitting on the couch.

"Hey, I wanna show you something," Trevor said as he stood up and extended his arm towards Lorna. She took it and followed him, attempting walk in a straight line and look sober.

Trevor led Lorna upstairs and into a smaller room. He sat her on the bed.

"You're not looking so good," he said, handing her a glass with water, "I thought, maybe, you'd prefer to get away from the noise for a while. Don't want your sister thinking you can't hold your own. First time drinking?" Lorna nodded as she gulped down the liquid. He seemed nice. Nicer than Franny's other boyfriends. It made her wonder what he saw in her sister. Sure, she was good-looking, but also poor and had already been with so many other guys.

"Did Franny tell you about the…?" he started.

"The baby?" Lorna said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, "Yeah, she did. Last week."

"She's really serious about it, huh? Healthy diet, no drinking. That's takes a lot of willpower."

"Yeah, it's very unlike her, but she's willing to make the sacrifice. I think she'll make a great mom," Lorna always spoke well of her sister. Although she didn't always agree with her, she would never say a bad word about Franny to anyone.

Trevor sat down beside her.

"You know, it's difficult for me too," he whispered into Lorna's ear as he placed his hand on her knee. Despite her inebriated state, she felt extremely uncomfortable.

"W-What do you mean?" she asked, looking down at the still half-full glass of water in her hands, trying to focus her eyes onto something and dreading the answer that was coming. Trevor took the glass from her and placed it on the bedside table. He took her chin in his hand, and gently moved her face up towards his while running his other hand up and down her thigh.

"You know what I mean," he said with a sinister look in his eyes, "I haven't gotten laid in almost a month, and it's not gonna happen any time soon, unless…" he licked his lips and moved closer to Lorna, putting his arm around her shoulders and moving his hand up her dress, "You're hot. Hotter than your sister – she even said so herself. While we're here we could have a little fun. She doesn't have to know." Lorna's body tensed. She was more terrified than she had ever been in her life. She wanted to get up and run. But she was so dizzy, she could barely move. She kept shaking her head.

"N-No – I can't – I never – I'm – "

"A virgin?" Trevor chuckled, "Even better. I'll teach you." He started pulling down the straps of her dress. Lorna's instinctual defense mechanism kicked in. She slapped away Trevor's hand and darted for the door.

She felt his strong arms pull her backwards and her lack of balance caused her to fall against him. He picked her up with ease and threw her roughly onto the bed. Lorna kicked and screamed, trying to get away, and he slapped her face, hard enough to cut her lip.

"Don't you fucking do that again, bitch," he hissed as he covered her mouth, "You can try to scream all you want, but nobody's going to hear you," he said as he trapped her body underneath his.

Trevor used his free hand to undo his pants and pull down Lorna's underwear. When he pulled out his erect manhood, Lorna's eyes widened and she started trying to fight again. But he was too strong. Her tiny body was completely enveloped by his, and her muffled screams only weakened her more. He spread her legs and entered her swiftly and forcefully, inciting another voiceless cry from the defenseless girl under him. The pain tore through her entire body and tears spilled from her eyes as she shook her head violently, hoping to will him away, hoping to wake up from whatever awful dream she was having. Her vision was blurred from the alcohol and tears, but she wasn't able drift away from reality. Not when the pain she felt was so strong and continued to magnify with each thrust.

* * *

Radiohead's _Creep_ could softly be heard from behind the closed door to the bedroom.

"You're not gonna tell Franny what happened here tonight," Trevor ordered Lorna as he slid his pants back up, "Unless you want your future niece or nephew growing up as a _bastard_ child" She was lying on the bed, curled up and sobbing into a pillow. He walked over to the bed and traced a line with his finger from her shoulder down to her hip. Lorna winced at his touch.

"The bathroom's behind you," he added as he slapped her bottom and left, taking the half-empty glass of water with him.

Lorna still couldn't see or think straight. She was nauseous and the room was spinning around her. Blood and semen were still pooling between her legs, and it made her sick to her stomach. She hated herself.

Once she gathered enough strength to stand up, she walked into the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. She retched, but nothing came up. Without thinking, Lorna stuck two fingers down her throat. It took a few tries, but eventually, she succeeded in emptying her stomach of its contents. The nausea went away. She proceeded to walk over to the sink to clean up her face. She looked in the mirror to find that her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks covered in tear tracks, and her bottom lip swollen. Her shiny dark locks were now matted and in tangles. She splashed water on her face, washing away the smeared makeup and dried blood. She ran her fingers through her hair, hoping to make it look at least half-decent. Lorna got into the bathtub to quickly rinse off and then got dressed. She went downstairs to find Franny.

"Hey, Lorna," Franny ran towards her, "Trevor told me you felt sick and had to lie down. You okay?"

"Yeah," Lorna lied, "I think I had bit too much to drink. Could we go home?"

"Of course," Franny agreed, seeing that her sister was clearly done for the night, "How about you get in the car, and I'll tell Trev that we're leaving?" Lorna nodded, taking the keys from Franny. She put on her jacket got into the car, resting her head on the cold window. She pretended to sleep in order to avoid talking to her sister on the way back.

When they got home, it was almost three. Lorna headed straight for the shower. She had to wash him away. She ached all over, but she had to get him off of her body. After a long shower, she put on her pajamas and passed out the moment her head hit the pillow.

However, Lorna couldn't escape him. Not even in her dreams. Everywhere she turned, anything she did, he was there – in the back of her mind – just waiting to haunt her. She couldn't tell Franny. She would ruin everything if she did. She couldn't tell anyone.

* * *

Lorna found comfort in food. She could stuff her feelings down by eating ridiculous amounts of almost anything. Her binge episodes were always followed by a visit to the bathroom, sticking her fingers down her throat and letting everything go. She felt relief. It was painful, but it let her forget for a short while.

When the next semester started, Lorna couldn't concentrate. She had her student medical insurance, so she went to the doctor to make sure she wasn't pregnant and hadn't gotten any STDs. Soon, she had started spending most of her money on binge-food (cookies, chips and other snacks) and keeping it under her bed. She only had time to do her "ritual" at night, so she constantly missed precious hours of sleep. She was always tired and often fell asleep during lectures. But it wasn't enough. Eventually Lorna found herself stuffing her face and throwing up in a public bathroom stall. She essentially memorized the entire university's bathroom schedule – which bathrooms were the least busy and during which times. She couldn't help it. If the nearest empty bathroom was on the opposite side of campus, Lorna would go there, backpack stuffed with food, and do what she had to do. As if that wasn't bad enough, she would categorize her food by how easy it was to purge and how bad or good it tasted coming back up. Her grades dropped and her work performance decreased. She got fired. She lost weight. A lot of weight. Her family started to worry and Franny had once commented that she was starting to look like a walking bag of bones.

"Well, at least I'm not the one getting fatter!" Lorna snapped at her sister. Her stress levels were over the roof, and even the slightest provocation would cause an outburst. She was on her exam break but instead of studying she would eat, puke and sleep.

She ended up failing all but two of her courses that semester. She had to quit. Or at least take a year off. Her family would be disappointed, but she couldn't continue. Not like this. That summer, she found a different job. One that she could do during the day, and not have to think about when she got home. It allowed her to focus her free time on "forgetting".

* * *

When Franny went into labor, she saw him again, for the first time since that night. He was chatting with Mikey and their father, but winked at Lorna when their eyes met. She quickly looked away and turned to leave, but the doctor came out and informed them that Franny wanted her boyfriend and sister to enter the maternity ward. She had given birth to a healthy little boy, and told Lorna to pick him up.

"He's beautiful, Franny," Lorna said, holding the little being in her arms carefully, not to disturb his slumber.

"Handsome, just like his daddy," Franny pointed out, smiling at Trevor.

"So when do _I_ get to hold my son?" Trevor asked, almost directing his question at Lorna. She handed him the baby, whilst trying to minimize the amount of physical contact they had to share in order to do so. She stepped back immediately when she was sure the little guy was safe.

"So Lorna, Trevor and I were thinking, and we've decided that we want you to be the godmother!" Franny beamed. She was so excited, that Lorna would feel like a complete asshole if she did anything even potentially offensive.

"I'd be honored," she said, feigning a smile.

* * *

Now that the baby was born, Trevor was the one visiting Franny instead of the other way around. They had decided to live separately because Franny felt "more comfortable in her own home and it was better for the baby". Lorna dreaded every day that Trevor came over, but put up with it in her own way. For Franny's sake. Her sister had a man who willing to take care of her and her child. Or so she thought.

Shortly after the baby's first birthday, she heard Trevor storm out of their home following a heated argument with Franny. Her sister was in tears. But they were tears of anger, rather than sadness.

"He's not coming back," Franny told Lorna, "I don't want him back. Not after what he did." Lorna froze. Did she know?

"That asshole didn't want me moving in with him so he could invite his little fuck buddies over," she continued, "He thought I'd never find out. How could I be so blind?"

* * *

Lorna felt awful about it, but was glad that she wasn't the reason Trevor was out of Franny's life. She started taking better care of herself. Instead of buying comfort food all the time, she started spending her money on clothes, makeup and other beauty products. She went out more and hung out with people she met at work. Sometimes, she found something she really enjoyed and became totally obsessed with it. She would collect posters and cutouts of various things and stick them on her wall. Her bulimic behaviors continued, but they were lessening, and slowly becoming replaced with clothes. Pretty soon, Lorna realized that clothes are much more expensive than food, and she didn't exactly have a high-paying job. So she started buying online, and pretending that the things she ordered never arrived in order to get her money back. How good it felt to live beyond her means. Of course, Lorna's past still haunted her. If she didn't buy a new designer shirt, she still had to get her release through food in order to forget. Then she met him – Christopher – the man of her dreams. He was everything she ever wanted in a man – handsome, gentle and protective. Yes, he could protect her from anything. She tried so hard to make herself believe that and, as if by magic, all the bad memories went away. Lorna didn't need her food anymore. It was as if Trevor never existed. Her delusions continued and she made everyone around her believe her fantasy. Even when it started getting out of hand, she held on to it for dear life. It felt like this was the only thing keeping her sane. It was easier in prison, where nobody knew her. At least in here they still believed her. Until she remembered. He made her remember. She wasn't supposed to be happy and he made her realize it. She was living a lie.

* * *

_End flashback_

* * *

**Author's Note:** I already said that I'm an awful person, but I'd like to repeat myself. Ironically, this was actually somewhat easier to write than the previous chapter, since teenage Lorna is closer to my age. So I (**VERY**) loosely based her off of myself, mostly in terms of style, the search for identity and extreme lack of life experience. I'm not actually a sadomasochistic freak, I swear!


End file.
